Monks of Mellonwah - Stars Are Out EP

Monks of Mellonwah, while not suckling the be-socked “teat” of Anthony Kedis and Flea of Red Hot Chilli Peppers fame, seem to want to get laid. Really badly it seem. So much so they’ve invested their time in putting together a cod(-piece?) -funk/rock band - assuming that this is definitely the best way to find themselves balls-deep in, well, in.

Mentioning Red Hot Chilli Peppers at the beginning of this review is a little unfair, or would be if the band hadn’t so wilfully pitched up in their shadow.

Yes, lyrically they’re from the Anthony Kedis school of song-writing (“It rhymes, doesn’t it?” - and so we’re treated to couplets which rhyme “disappears/tears”, “stream/dream/steam/cream” (don’t worry about the last bit, they’re good boys talking about peaches and cream) and this gem:

"side by side we own the night / just don’t give up the fight"

Then the guitarist shows off how girthy his guitar neck is, the crowd swoon or possibly orgasm their clothes off.

Or at least, that’s how it’s meant to go. More likely they’re going to see a group of unimpressed faces watching them grind away unconvincingly.

(The really bad news is that all the above quoted lyrical tragedies are from one song, album opener “Swamp Groove” - yes, that really is the name.)

The fundamental problem is the album sounds like it is cynically produced to tickle to ovaries (especially the title track, a slow, earnest picked guitar number which screams “I’m sensitive me!”).

The whole experience is a little like the band stepping quietly onto a harshly lit stage, dropping their spider-man underwear to the hushed murmurs of: “Is that it?”

NATURALLY I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING AND YOU SHOULD PROBABLY CHECK THEM OUT FOR YOURSELF ON SOUNDCLOUD HERE

by Christopher John Eggett
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